February 10, 2015 at 7:59 pm | featured | No comment
When you want to get your ex boyfriend back most likely you’ll act from impulse and make mistakes.
It’s a understandable reaction considering your emotional state, but unfortunately in this delicate life situation it can ruin your chance of a new beginning with him.
In this article I will show you the most common traps so you can avoid them in order to be effective at re-attracting that special man.
I know that it’s not as easy to avoid them as to talk about them.
Even some of my clients are guilty of making them, despite the fact that they been prepared and warned about the effects of these re-attraction “viruses”.
Ok, so let’s get to it…
You need to stop badgering him for the “actual” reason for the breakup. I know you are very curious and eager to get answers out of him but you can’t continually ask why from your ex boyfriend in the hopes tо hear the truth so you can understand the cause of his rejection.
I agree with you that you want to hear from him the real reason(s) for the breakup, to see if it can be repaired or to know at least your wrong doings, but the reality is he may be unable to tell you the true core reasons.
In most of the cases it’s not just one simple issue that caused the relationship to fail, but instead a deeper and wider interrelated male and female characteristics are responsible.
…and yes, in almost every case both sides are responsible for the breakup.
So in order to avoid this problem first you need to mentally accept that YES the breakup is really happened, then as a next baby step, you give him and yourself the space and time. Now you can start preparing yourself for the real change.
This is one of the most important mistakes to avoid, but unfortunately the most common one too. At the peek period, generally after a month of the breakup (generally speaking) you miss him the most, and that’s when you can fall into this trap.
But no matter how deeply and painfully you miss your ex boyfriend, or how strongly you feel in your gut that you need to call him right now (or because you’re sure that telepathically he’s also can sense you) just DON’T do it.
Well, there are more than one reasons for that but the most important one is that seemingly you are the one who needs him and thus you will loose the power built so far during the No Contact period.
Probably you heard it endless times but this is the golden rule of relationships and breakups also:
“The Power in a Relationship lies with the one who needs it the least.”
The keyword here is “need“. Of course this does not mean not to care for him. Not at all. It’s about suggesting your capability to live a happy, independent life. One that is not dependent on him.
So please be strong and control your emotions and put that phone down. At this moment you just can’t afford to break the No Contact rule.
I was very surprised to see how many women are trying to remain close to their ex boyfriends just to keep the hope of reconciliation alive. By letting this small door open to get access to his life you will only help him to gradually get over you, while being a support base for him.
Practically you will help him to move on and find someone else in the process.
Even if he asks you to remain friends and to hang out, you just tell him this:
“I’m sorry but I can’t see you as a friend. I have plenty of friends. I don’t need another one.”
So no, you don’t want to try this seemingly “smart” tactic. Don’t conceal your true intentions because firstly it’s very transparent and you will also provoke pity from him, …and secondly he will not consider you later on as a serious romantic partner.
The first time when you try to talk with your ex boyfriend it will be very tempting to apologize for your mistakes or flaws.
It’s normal because after the breakup you feel like you where the one who made most of the mistakes. This is not the case. (except if you cheated)
There are times when apology can be a savior and necessary act, but it’s NOT now. If you try to apologize, it will came out as you blaming yourself for the breakup and that will only enhance his position (power) in the relationship.
So erase from your mind every attempt of expressing your regret. Don’t send him cute little bunnies or kitty cats with adorable wide-eyes, asking for forgiveness because it only comes out as you being needy. And as you probably heard it countless times that acting needy and clingy is not exactly we man find to be attractive.
If he initiates contact with you or you call him (after the No Contact period), under no circumstances go against his wish or request. (no matter what is the subject). If he thinks that it will be a good idea to move on and don’t communicate at all, or even if he suggests that it’s time to see other people, you just go along.
Be cool and agree that you’re fine with this and you also think it’s a good idea. Sound like it’s not a big deal for you either. Also tell him that you think that the breakup actually was a good idea and it will be better for both of you.
Yes it’s counter-intuitive but remember from basic human psychology, that we desire what we can’t have…. and we don’t appreciate what we can easily acquire. Acquire sounds too mechanical, but you get my point.
This should be obvious to avoid, but despite its negative effect, quite a lot of women fall into this trap.
They try to always agree with their ex to avoid any kind of confrontation, not to raise the tension more than it is. This is not the way to do it.
Actually with this you will only dig your own grave. Acting too nice is something you need to avoid.
Well, for starters because he knows you and he will see trough your fake acting.
And secondly, be proud of your own personality! What the heck?
You are a high value woman with high standards.
So for God sake act confident and be decisive!
Don’t even think about saying things like: “I need you” or “I cannot live without you” or “Don’t leave me, I’m begging you, stay, I will do anything.” or “ I know it won’t happen again because I can change” or “I don’t want be alone again.”
These are deadly words that will sabotage your chance of getting him back. Don’t beg at all, not just because it backfires but also because you will look like a needy chick and consequently you’ll lose all your attractiveness.
We men want to “hunt” so that at the end of the our “campaign” we can feel proud of our achievements. We want to show to the world our realizations to build up our social status and recognition.
So please straighten that titanium spine of yours.
This will send out a yelling signal like: “I need you”, “I can’t handle life without you”, “Why are you left me?”, “This is what I deserve?”
If you think that you will receive some answers from him, you’re wrong. Instead you will paint yourself as a crazy person in his eyes. A classy woman always keeps her cool, thinks first, then acts. And acts only if necessary.
Instead of being proactive to his moves, just be a “cool reactive” woman at the most.
So, again… instead of revealing your dependence of him, show it how easy is for you to move on and enjoy life without him.
Don’t give the power in the relationship (because it’s still a bond) into his hand. So please hold your horses, wait and let him miss you instead.
I’m sorry to say but this one is just a very stupid thing to do. Of course that your common friends or family members will tell him that you inquired about them.
Even if you specifically asked your common contact not to say anything about your request, you can be almost sure that this will end up in the ears of your ex boyfriend, thus projecting your obvious interest for him.
BUT instead, you can use your common friends to send important information about your new exciting life into his ears.
When you see a common friend at a party or just by bumping into them, don’t try to avoid the conversation, instead use it to your advantage by saying something like:
Common friend: “So what’s new with you? How you been?”
You: “I am great, thank you. You know a lot is happening… at my work I’m into some new and interesting projects, my sister(or brother) is finally coming to visit me, and on top of that I met this new guy Mark not to long ago. Interestingly I really like him, we will see what happens.”
Common friend: “Really? But didn’t you just broke up with Brian(your ex)?”
You: “Yes, I did and it’s unfortunate but you know me, I always try to look forward in my life.”
Now, you say all this with a calm, normal, ordinary tone, without showing any sing of pain or grudge that you might feel towards the breakup or your ex boyfriend. This tactic alone can shift his emotions towards you.
So instead of trying to find out information about him that can backfire, reverse it and use these opportunities as powerful but subtle news delivery channel to make him start regretting the breakup.
Trying to persuade your ex boyfriend to come back with logic is like asking a fly nicely not to land on the honey. Simply it’s just won’t work.
Arguing in this situation is like convincing a person to like you. The heart cannot be reasoned with.
The decision of making up has to come from him and not you. Even if you feel the urge to explain the benefits of your relationship and how great it was together, you’ll just torn oil on fire.
His negative emotions after the breakup are way too strong so it’s not a good time to influence his perception and attitude towards you. This is one of the reasons why the No Contact period is so crucial. You need to give him time to allow the emotional storm to calm down so he can see this relationship with you from a different perspective, thus influencing also his feelings.
In the movies when the guy (or girl for that matter) confesses his true love for the girl, she’ll melt away from the heat of his love. And all suddenly becomes pinky and full of rainbows.
After watching so many romantic movies you will assume that you can achieve the same results with your ex. Well this is a big mislead perception.
In real life it’s exactly the opposite. By pouring out your heart for him you will lose the power over the relationship.
And don’t assume for a moment that if you tell him how much you love him, or that he means the world to you, he will run back to you. With breakups this is not the case, because you projecting your NEED of him in a desperate form.
…and we men are repelled by insecure, confidence-lacking women.
Even if you will be extremely tempted to let your basic instinct take over or if he tries to seduce you, having sex with him will make things worse.
It’s a huge mistake because by offering yourself to him, he will NOT appreciate you more and all the conflict issues will be not resolved by a hot and steamy sexual encounter.
Practically by doing this you’re selling yourself cheap. The breakup just happened and on the first occasion you give yourself to him without making him work hard to get you back?
First you both need to heal, to find the real reasons for the breakup, then when you identified what needs to be improved and changed (the internal change) and when you’re officially back together, you can have a passionate bed breaking makeup sex.
So even if the sex is great, you will feel awkward, used and worthless afterward, and he will simply loose his interest AND attraction for you. The huge elephant (breakup reason) still will be there to “haunt” you both.
Do you want that?
No, I did’t think so.
I know that you’re a smart woman but I still wanted to include this mistake, because I saw quite a few times that the temptation to express your feelings on social media are pretty high.
So what you need to be careful ?
It means that if you’re not careful:
1- you can easily share a sad quote, video or content that reflects your present feelings
2- you can post the wrong status update about what’s happening or happened with you and how you feel emotionally. (and not just regarding the breakup) Things like feeling angry, confused, annoyed, bored, disappointed, mad, pissed or upset.
3- without realizing it you can update you status that you’re watching a sad romantic movie or reading a romance novel.
4- you can share a cynical quote about men or exes
I don’t even need to mention that badmouthing him or complaining about your breakup on social media is probably the worst thing that you can do after the breakup. (except doing anything physically to him or his belongings)
All this obviously can give away how you feel and how you where influenced by the breakup, hence loosing your attractiveness in his eyes.
We don’t want that, right?
Instead, you need to do exactly the opposite. You want to use the power of social media to serve you in getting your ex boyfriend back. If you’d like me personally to help you develop a Facebook strategy tailored to your own breakup, please check out my consulting services.
Emotional suppression, meaning that you seal your emotions, can be hazardous to your physical, as well as mental health.
Firstly please note that shifting your mind off the breakup, is an important element of the healing process but you can’t truly achieve that if first you don’t go trough the traumatic grieving period after the breakup.
There are many physiological reasons that contribute to the healing power of tears. (and laughter)
Some of them have been documented by biochemist, William Frey, who has spent 15 years as head of a research team studying tears. Among their findings is that emotional tears (as compared to tears of irritation, like when you cut an onion) contain toxic biochemical byproducts, so that weeping removes these toxic substances and relieves emotional stress.
Secondly if you can’t heal, you can’t achieve true transformation. A transformation that comes from the core but it’s also complemented with external changes. So that your internal change plus external improvements combined with showcasing the characteristics that made him to fall in love with you, can show him what a truly rare and valuable woman he just lost …and that’s our goal.
If you can achieve this I am certain that he will deeply miss your love and wants you to complete him again.
Don’t forget that keeping painful reminders around you is also greatly suppresses your emotions.
I know it’s tempting to keep reminders of him or the relationship around you, like photographs, gifts, clothes, text messages, emails, items with special meaning, but remember that such things are also a vivid and constant reminder of the breakup and the relationship, causing pain over and over again. (consequently preventing your healing)
Of course I am not saying to burn the items that reminds you of him, but please collect everything, put it in a box, including his phone number after you write it down on a piece of paper and store it in the attic or in the cellar.
Now you can start your healing process.
Obviously it’s hard for anyone to know how to proceed after the breakup. Trying to figure out what to do and what not to do, can be a walk on a minefield.
But of course there is a right and a wrong way to win your ex boyfriend back. Learn as much as you can about handling breakups and keeping your emotions in control.
Getting to a healthy emotional state is the first step in attracting your ex boyfriend back.
So, these are the most important mistakes that you have to avoid at all cost if you want to win him back. But even if you already omitted some of them all hope is not lost. You still have real chance to get your ex boyfriend back.
If you’d like to hire me to be your breakup consultant and to create a custom plan for getting him back into your life please feel free to check out my consulting services.
I want to kindly thank you for reading my article.