January 10, 2017 at 4:20 pm | featured | No comment
I think you will agree with me when I say:
It’s really hard to know how to use the No Contact rule properly to make him regret the breakup.
Or is it?
Well “it turns out” if you know how to navigate through the pitfalls of this sensible and challenging period, you can achieve just that.
And in today’s post I will answer the most frequently asked questions regarding those pitfalls, and how you can easily avoid them.
Well, most of them at least. Because one of the hardest goal to accomplish is to NOT to break the No Contact rule. (except for certain situations when you need to use Limited No Contact)
The following are actual questions coming from my readers, subscribers and consulting clients, and since breakups share many similarities it’s very likely that many will apply to your situation.
So let’s see them:
This question gets asked a lot and it’s understandable because it takes a big leap of faith to put something like this into action.
Now unless your particular situation does not fit into any of the scenarios I’m going to describe below then yes, strict No Contact is the right thing to do.
This a crucial step in getting him back into your life so please don’t try to skip or “cheat” your way out. It’s called a rule for a reason.
However, even with that being said you may still have some doubts, so I’m going to explain it here in a different way so that you truly understand the concept.
Just take a second to think about what your options are:
1. You can try to persuade him to come back
2. You can accept the relationship is over for now but remain friends with him in hopes of making amends down the road
3. You can implement the No Contact Rule with an “open door policy” for fear of pushing him further away
4. You can implement strictly the No Contact rule
Well, if you’ve tried the first option (which most likely you have) and it’s not working, what makes you think it will work down the road?
Well, it won’t.
Because the heart cannot be reasoned with. There is nothing you can do to reason with him by logically explaining the benefits and advantages of being with you.
“What makes you and me ‘rational’ is not suppressing our emotions, but tempering them in a positive way,” he says.
So why try wasting your precious “win him back credits” on futile attempts in convincing him to come back to you. Why go against human nature?
Obviously this is not the way. Instead you have to make it work for you.
Now regarding your second option: to stay friends.
Yes every situation is different but that doesn’t change the fact that men aren’t. When it comes to this issue they all think the same.
This topic need to be addressed in a separate post but in a nutshell I will explain my point, so it will penetrate to your bone:
If you remain friends with him, he will have the luxury of moving on gradually with your help, he find another girl to fall in love with and get married and have kids.
All that in front of your eyes.
How’s that sounds to you?
Do you still want to be friends with him?
I don’t think so.
Let’s move on to the third option… leaving an “open door policy” in your No Contact Rule statement.
And if you don’t understand what I’m talking about here, it’s telling your man to give you space but at the same time that you’ll be there for him if he needs you.
Obviously those two statements contradict each other and you’re sending the wrong message to him: that you’re playing games – a dangerous aspect to reveal.
Which leaves us with the fourth and final option: strict NC.
It’s the most effective choice. But how to handle doubts? Well if you’ve been paying attention up until now then this question shouldn’t even enter your thoughts but just as an added reassurance, consider your other options and you’ll soon realize that this is your best shot.
One more thing I want to mention… Not too long ago a dear lady asked me if putting No Contact Rule into play will cause a man to start dating one of her friends.
She was worried that if he wasn’t around that he would jump on the next girl because she was wrongly informed that “men never like to be alone”.
So let’s take a look into this. First off, no one likes to be alone – not just girls. Now be that as it may, you can’t take every man and put him into the same category on this issue.
Some want to be alone after a breakup… and some truly can’t handle it. And if he happens to be in the latter group, there’s nothing you can do about it.
Look, if he wants to date someone, he will – constantly being around him and begging him back will not change a thing about this except push him further away from you and into some other girl’s arms.
…this won’t be one of his “friends”. If he’s already put this girl in the friends category a while back (the same category I’m telling you to avoid) it’s highly unlikely that he’ll start dating her.
Now, if this happens to be a friend that he’s always had feelings for, or a “new friend”… that’s a different matter altogether. In this case, if he has his mind on dating someone, it’s very likely that he’ll date her.
But again there’s nothing you can do to stop this. The only logical choice here is to stay out of his way and not make thing worse for yourself.
Obviously this one is a crucial question to know the answer to.
Based on, as I call it the Diamond principle, what is rare or inaccessible is highly valuable. (even if we don’t necessarily have true desire for that object or person)
Now, especially in case of men the emotional melting point is around 30 days, as research shows.
We feel liberation from commitment and freedom right after the breakup but as time passes we enter the realm of emotional darkness and torment. And that time is around 30 days.
So if you had a standard breakup (without nasty verbal fights) you can go with a 30 days of No Contact.
BUT if you broke up with him on very bad terms, while hurting each other emotionally on a deep level, then you should engage into a 2-3 months of No Contact period.
Keep in mind that I am talking about long term relationships with a history of at least +1 year. (and not short or ultra short relationships)
In short, by not contacting him. I know how ridiculous this may sound but this is exactly how you do it. You keep him at a distance until he gets to the point where he just has to talk to you.
However, if you’ve been broken up with him for an extended period of time then you have to break the silence and send him a specific text message.
You keep your plans with him.
Don’t just change your mind suddenly.
However, once that date is over you back off and if he ends up calling you, then you proceed as described above and inform him that you’re not going to be contacting him and that he should do the same for the sake of both of you.
This is a very bad situation to be in.
Because you’re not doing something right if you’re going into and out of contact. The No Contact Rule should be implemented once, two times at most (everyone makes mistakes and I don’t expect perfect execution from you at this point – that’s why I said two times at “most”).
Here’s the thing: getting your boyfriend back by putting this strategy into place is (in most cases) a fairly simple matter. But sticking to it, that’s the challenge.
That’s why I first recommend you go over your relationship on a stage by stage basis so that you can discover any and all problems that you had or might had.
Using No Contact gets your foot in the door.
From that point on you need to take the necessary measures to correct the original problem(s) or you’ll fall into the same trap again, and eventually it will kill the relationship completely.
And one more thing…
I can’t stress how important is to keep your relationship together once you’ve gotten over all the challenges and obstacles and have him back.
Make no mistake about it: the more times you put NC into place the less effective
Think about it…
…do you think the statement, “please don’t contact me because I need to get my head straight” will have as much of an impact if he’s hearing it for a second or even third time?
If this is round 2 for you guys, he knows exactly what he needs to do to get you to end your NC rule and that’s why you want to get it right the first time.
Because the second time, he’ll call your “bluff” and then you might get to the point where you’re desperate to be with him all over again.
You don’t want to go there. Get him back and keep him for life.
No, the general answer would be: no, it’s not too late.
However, make sure that you apply the right form of No Contact in your particular situation. With my breakup consulting service we can found out if this particular strategy is right for you. Maybe you just need to use LNC. (Limited No Contact)
And if you’ve already “messed up” and begged him to come back, that’s just one more reason to put NC into place right away (provided that it’s applicable to your situation).
If you’ve already told him that you want to remain friends then you need to cut off contact, but you need to do it in a gradual fashion.
Let’s say that for the sake of argument you’ve been hanging out with your man almost every day since your breakup; and things are great between you, however, he always resists your attempts to get back together.
What do you do?
It’s simple, you start meeting him less and less. You start to break off some engagements by letting him know that you’re busy and you wait a while longer until you return his calls, emails, and text messages.
What you’re trying to do is show him that you need her less and less in your life, but you’re not doing it all at once.
This is important because you’re the one who told him that you want to be friends.
If you just cut off all contact he’ll think you’re playing games with him. You can and need to play the game of power but without getting caught.
So you keep at this and start distancing yourself more and more as time goes by.
How much time?
Well in this example I think that after 10 days to 2 weeks of this gradual distancing he’ll most likely call you up on it.
He’ll ask you if there’s some kind of problem. That’s when you tell him that you need your space and go into NC.
And if you’ve been making that distance greater and greater and he hasn’t said anything to you yet, then at one point when you feel that you’ve reduced contact to about 30% of what it used to be… you fall of the face of the earth and wait for him to call.
Of course NOT.
This is the same thing as leaving an open door policy. It sends a contradicting message and he’ll think you’re playing games with him.
Now what if it’s his birthday or a holiday is around the corner (e.g. Christmas)? In situations like this, you have to use your best judgment.
If things are fine between the two of you, there’s no harm in sending him a card for his Birthday or for a holiday – but that’s it… don’t call or write him emails.
However, if you’ve been pushing him to come back over the last month and he’s angry at you and told you not to contact him anymore – or if there’s any “turmoil” between you at all, I would hold off on the card.
But again, use your best judgment here. As long as you’re not leaving an open door policy like I’ve written above this issue is not that important.
Then you respect his decision and you wait it out until he does call you. Now I know what the next question to this is going to be so I’ve already gone ahead and answered it below.
First of all this thought shouldn’t even be crossing your mind… at all. I don’t care how “strong”, “stubborn”, or “independent” you believe your man to be.
If you’re not confident about what you’re about to do then you won’t have the nerve to see it through till the end.
You’ll break at some point making it that much harder for you to get what you want.
I know it’s not easy at all to see the out come in this light but you need to try your best.
So start concentrating on the life you want to create with him. Because if you set yourself up to fail by seeing what can go wrong, – then most likely you’ll create that future.
Remember, the reason why this strategy is effective is because of your mindset.
NC is just a tactic… nothing more.
And in order for you to apply the strategy and not just the tactic you have to have it in your mind that you’re willing to win him back or completely let him go; and that you’ll settle for nothing in between.
Do you understand me? Excellent.
Only then can you focus on what truly matters – working on raising your personal value, and getting yourself back into shape so that when he does contact you, you’ll be ready to face him.
With that being said, at some point (I’m talking 2-3 months here… not days) you may come to the conclusion that he really won’t contact you ever again.
From here on in you have to sit down and make a decision, and that is, do you still want this man? Because if you hadn’t had any contact with him yet, it’s safe to assume that enough time has gone by to think clearer about your situation.
How to proceed?
Well before doing anything you need to be able to answer the following questions:
1. Do I still want this particular man or am I just lonely?
2. Is my desire to be with this man just out of rejection?
I can’t stress how important it is that you really take the time to answer those questions and be honest with yourself when you’re doing so.
Look, what it comes down to is this: your ultimate goal is happiness; not to be happy because of one particular person in your life. So if you can rule out the fact that:
1. You’re not looking to be with someone simply to take the pain away (regardless of who that person might be)
2. You’re not acting out of rejection. (you possess the necessary wisdom to accept the fact that he rejected you for certain reason(s). Reasons that you should know by now)
Then the next step would be to give him a call to see how’s he’s doing or “feel him out” so to speak.
Use the same approach (calm and casual) as if he was calling you.
Ask him how’s he’s been and what he’s been up to. But again, don’t get into heavy topics and don’t bring up the relationship unless he does.
After chatting with him for some time you will know if you have any chances of this going further or not.
If the conversation goes well, drop the old, “let’s get together this weekend” or something along those lines.
But don’t ask him if he wants to get together – just let him know that you should. There’s a big difference between the two.
The former puts you in control while the latter puts him in control.
What you’re trying to do is take all the pressure away from this meeting and not make it look like a date or anything too official that he might otherwise object to.
Now, if the conversation doesn’t go well… don’t stress about it too much.
If you’ve followed along with the advice I’ve given you, then you’ve done your absolute best to make things work out.
Unfortunately, not all relationships can be salvaged.
It’s the harsh reality of life. Sometimes you’re forced to cut your losses. And I know that you can live with that.
However, there’s one thing that you shouldn’t live with, not just concerning relationships, but with every aspect of your life… and that’s regret.
You don’t want to get yourself in a situation where you’re looking back to this one day and you’re wondering what would have happened if you had chosen a different path.
And with that being said, I’m going to let you in a little secret.
Even if you call him and you don’t get positive vibes… all hope is still not lost.
And I say this from experience.
I believe that: “things tend to happen when you least expect them…” And that’s why I stress to my readers that when they go into No Contact that they shouldn’t be afraid of the consequences or second-guess themselves (however impossible this may be).
Because just when you’ve given up all hope and have moved on that’s when things take a turn for the better.
It’s happened to me on countless occasions and I’ve come to expect it, especially in times like these.
And one last thing… I’m not telling you to be unrealistic and never give up on this man. Only you can decide if and when you should.
…there are no set standards on this and no one can say if a relationship has reached the point of no return.
Only you can decide that and as always, you’ll have to use your best judgment.
And if you do decide to keep pursuing him and the initial conversation after a month or two of NC didn’t go well… back off once more and take 2-3 more weeks of NC.
In short: yes, but NOT suddenly or unnaturally!
For starters you don’t block him, don’t unfriend him, just turn of his notification.
After a while (7-14 days) you should change your cover and profile photo, but NOT at the same day.
You have to seem (and actually be) busy getting on with your life, but not so much that you don’t have time to post improvements and happy moments about your life.
Posts that can show your independence, your strong, happy and joyful side.
The side that he was crazy about.
Now you might be asking yourself, “Won’t that send the wrong message to him? Won’t he think I’m playing games with him?
The answer is… so what? You didn’t tell him not to contact you and that you’re going to be changing your online profile; you just told him not to contact you.
If he decides to take it the wrong way it shouldn’t concern you in the least.
But usually that not the case. Instead he will start to doubt the breakup. (especially around the end of the 3th week)
Now since we’re on the topic of social networking sites I want to take the time to mention two more things:
1. DO NOT VISIT HIS PROFILE
2. If you slip up and do visit his profile, don’t buy into any games he might be playing with you
Concerning the first point, if everything I’ve written about so far has struck a chord with you in any way, then you must realize that visiting his profile is completely out of the question and goes against everything you’re trying to accomplish.
In a sense it’s like driving by his house every 5 minutes (i.e. stalking him).
But again, no one is perfect. I’m definitely not and I don’t expect you to be either. That means that it’s very possible that you’ll slip up with this at one point or another.
And if that slip up happens to be visiting his profile, and you happen to see some other woman high up there on his friends list and at the same time you’ve been “demoted” do not buy into this game!
He’s trying to get a reaction out of you. That means that it becomes an issue of who’s going to “snap” first.
When you told him that you’re cutting off all contact it’s quite possible he took this on as a challenge (i.e. who can hold out longer) and took on an “I will show you” attitude. This is just one of the ways he’s trying to make you break.
If this is truly the case then it’s a good thing. If he’s going through all the trouble to get a reaction out of you that means he still cares.
That’s exactly what you want.
Now you just have to be the stronger of the two and show him that you don’t (figuratively speaking). If you can hold out long enough, the desire to emotionally hurt you will quickly disappear and you’ll start to gain control of the situation.
Before I proceed to address this question I want to make one thing clear: you should never purposefully bump into him while you’re in No Contact.
Don’t try and come up with a reason to be in the same place as he is in hopes of talking with him and getting him back. This won’t work – not this way. And like I’ve said before, it defeats the purpose of everything you’re trying to achieve.
Here’s my advice…
…you should try your best not to bump into him during this time but don’t go changing your life around to adhere to this. For example, I’m not telling you to quit your job if you work together just so you wouldn’t bump into him.
Again, like with the many other circumstances, you’ll have to use your best judgment here.
Now it’s understandable that sometimes, bumping into him is inevitable. So this is what you do: you maintain a cool and confident attitude while you’re around him.
Don’t just ignore him. If you happen to spot him before he spots you, then walk up to him and talk to him.
Don’t try to “hide” until he sees you.
And if he’s with some other woman and it throws you into a state of shock then do your best to hide it.
It’s of paramount importance that he doesn’t see how much something like this is affecting you.
So how do you handle the conversation with him?
Not overly excited yet not cold… indifferent but polite.
What should you say to him? Nothing special – a simple “hello, how are you?” is enough (especially if he’s with someone else).
If he doesn’t open up a more meaningful conversation after a few minutes (i.e. it’s just chit chat and it doesn’t look like it’s going to escalate to anything else) then end the conversation by politely telling him you need to go and then get on with whatever it is you had intended to do.
For example, if this encounter happens to go down in someplace like a restaurant or a bar – then go sit down, have your meal or drink (without looking back at him to see if he’s glancing over at you) and carry on with your night.
If it’s on the street or in a park, say your goodbyes and keep walking.
In other words, you should carry on with what it is that you’re doing and without changing your “plans” or running away just because he happens to be there (especially if he’s with some other woman). You want to seem somewhat unaffected by his presence… just don’t be cold or uppish towards him.
Well, my dear ambitious woman reader this is not an easy task.
It takes a great deal of strength, willpower, and faith on your part to see it through. And out of those three things, faith is the most important.
If you’re going into this “half-heartedly” then you’re wasting your time… you’re going to crack at some point and reach out to him – and like I said before, it’s a big mistake because he’ll think you’re playing games and it will backfire.
However if you’ve made up your mind that you’re willing to stick to your guns and see through this till the end – then here’s a little exercise to help you through this.
I want you to copy out the following page in your own handwriting:
Now after you’re done copying this table I want you to list his positive and negative qualities side by side.
Use the back of the page if you run out of space and above all… be completely honest with this list. And once you’re finished, fold the piece of paper and stick it in your wallet or keep it somewhere where you can easily refer to it at any time (i.e. when you feel like you’re about to break).
So why am I having you do this and why is it so important?
Because it’s crucial that you establish and maintain a mindset based on reality… not fantasy.
And this is of such paramount importance because if you live in a fantasy world and put this man on a pedestal you don’t stand a chance of winning him back.
And I understand that you love him and that he’s a great man (or else you wouldn’t be reading this) but make no mistake about it: he has flaws just like you, me, and everyone else.
And in times where your emotions are grossly overpowering your ability to maintain logical thoughts and you feel an overwhelming urge to call him, drive by his house, or any other form of erratic behavior… concentrating on those flaws will assist you in taming those emotions so you make the right choice and NOT call him, or drive by his house, or anything like that.
That’s one way to go about this and I advise you to not skip this exercise no matter how simple or inconsequential it may seem because it’s powerful.
Just by taking the time to sit down and create that list will add one more layer of commitment to your strategy of getting him back.
Now another way to maintain your sanity during NC is to massively “ramp up” your confidence building routines.
And what I’m about to suggest might cause you a great deal of discomfort; I want you to go ahead with it regardless.
Here’s what I want you to do: start going out on a regular basis (to your local park or shopping center, for example) to places where handsome guys congregate and start striking up conversations with them.
Now I’m not telling you to hit on them or give them your phone number (unless you want to that is). All I want you to do is talk to some strikingly good looking members of the opposite sex.
Don’t know what to say or feeling a little tongue- tied? That’s OK. Just let them approach and entertain you. The topic doesn’t really matter as long as you’re making innocent small talk and you have a big smile on throughout this.
And if you think that you’re not the type of woman who can do such a thing… then think again.
As long as you know deep down inside that you’re not actively trying to get personal with this guy you’ll do just fine. You won’t be nervous and you won’t find yourself with a shortage of topics to discuss.
And that’s because your otherwise “hidden agenda” that you’d have if this was a “pick-up” situation won’t be clouding your thoughts and restricting your natural ability to engage in meaningless conversation with another human being.
Because all you’re doing here is trying to build up your confidence and stick to No Contact – not to attract and seduce other men.
So why is this exercise so important?
Because after several of these “encounters” you’ll not only get some sort of “validation” from members the opposite sex (great looking ones at that) which will do wonders in boosting your confidence… you’ll also start to see how many more fish there are in the sea and that your particular one shouldn’t control your everyday thoughts.
Now combine that with the list I had you create above; the list that turns your ex boyfriend from a Greek God in your thoughts to a regular human being; and you know what you have?
The essential “tools” to establish and maintain a reality- based mindset. A mindset that’s free and clear of need.
That way you can stick to the No Contact Rule and approach your ex boyfriend with feelings of desire and not desperation when the time comes for you to do so.
If this happens to be your situation then you’re doing something very wrong.
Because if you’ve done everything correctly up until this point, that is, he’s the one that’s reaching out to you all this time but all he wants to do is remain friends then you haven’t appropriately demonstrated enough confidence to him.
However, this might not be entirely the case. It’s also possible that he’s just not willing to take this further with you.
If this is your situation then you have a decision to make.
You should either:
a) ramp up your efforts to make him want you as more than a friend (through a meeting with him)
b) start the No Contact Rule once again and when he calls you up on it – tell him that you just don’t feel that it’s right for you to be friends.
Now two things to consider about the above… If you choose to go with option A then realize that time is NOT on your side.
The longer you remain friends with him, the higher the likelihood that you’ll become a lifelong friend… so keep this in mind and make haste.
And if you’re wondering what’s the time frame in which he should start wanting to get back into a relationship with you, the answer is: it depends entirely on your particular situation.
It could be a few weeks or a few months – no one can possibly predict this with any degree of certainty.
Now, if you choose to go with option B you should be aware of the fact that he could be very angry with you. He might even tell you that you’re playing games with him and that he’s never going to contact you again.
It’s not a good spot to be in but sometimes desperate situations call for desperate measures. If you truly believe that you’ve done everything in your power to get him back and that your meetings are getting you nowhere – it’s your only logical option – no matter what consequences it brings about.
In other words, it’s your last ditch effort. Go back into No Contact and start from square one again.
…so those are the most frequently asked questions I get from my readers and clients when it comes to the No Contact Rule.
I know this article got really long but I wanted to share as much information as I could with you, since the No Contact rule plays a crucial part in your quest of re-attracting your ex boyfriend into your life for good.
If you still have questions, please feel free to ask it here or by contacting me.
I am here for you. Stay strong and always remember to see the future as you want it to happen.