July 7, 2014 at 5:59 pm | Breakups | No comment
At the end of a relationship, it seems as though everyone has some helpful (and sometimes not so helpful) advice. These tidbits of “wisdom” range from the annoying “You’re better off now” to the offensive “I don’t know what you saw in him anyway”.
Unfortunately, these little snippets of help often lead to myths that make you feel as though something is wrong with you. Let’s dispel some of the more common breakup myths and get you back onto the road to recovery.
“Your ex was a jerk – don’t waste time missing him.” This classic line sounds like good advice on the surface. The reality is that a breakup is an emotional event. While your ex may in fact, be a jerk, you saw something in him that drew you to him, so there was some connection between you.
When you lose that connection, there is a loss that can cause you emotional pain. You will still need to move through the stages of loss before you can move on in your life. Even when your ex is a jerk, you are actually mourning the loss of the good parts of the relationship – so it makes sense that you will be sad.
“Missing him is a sign that you should still be together.” This is bad thinking. Much like a drug addict misses their drug of choice – even years after the last time they took it – missing something is not a sure-fire sign that you were meant to be together.
This is an emotional response to the loss, and should not be taken as reasons to get back together. When you lose something, you miss it – even if it was not good for you or if you are glad the relationship is over – there is still a sense of loss that must be worked through.
“Just get over it.” If sadness could be swept away with a flip of a switch the world would be a different place. Your friends and family likely don’t want you to be sad, so they want you to be able to move on as quickly as possible.
Just willing yourself to get over the loss is not an effective (or healthy) way of dealing with the end of a relationship. Don’t fight the stages of relationship loss – they are all important. You will “get over it” when you are ready to move on.
“You should be over it by now.” We’ve all been there – the long days of sadness and anger feel like they will never end. Unfortunately, there isn’t a time limit or a specific number of days that the grief will last.
Moving on from an ended relationship is different for every person, so there is no way to determine how long the process will take – you can only move through the grieving process until you find yourself through it.
Each person is different, and ending a relationship is different for each person. Don’t get caught up in the ideas that other people tell you. Mourn the loss of your relationship, and move through each stage so that you can be ready to face a new relationship when it presents itself.