March 20, 2016 at 3:11 pm | Breakups | No comment
Recovering from the end of a relationship means the person in the midst of their pain must take steps to resist falling into some classic behavioral patterns placing them at greater risk in the future. It is easy at first pass to believe recovering from the heartbreak is paramount. While the importance of emotional recovery cannot be ignored, individuals need their wits about them to move to healthier place.
Hurt people long to reduce pain by removing themselves from the world. They equate contact with risk. On a rudimentary level, they are not incorrect. They have to come into contact with others to be hurt. Three drawbacks of isolation include the following.
* Being alone causes the person to grow comfortable with lack of contact making reintegration into society more difficult.
* With only themselves around, their view of the world becomes decidedly one sided.
* Isolated people see no benefit in having others in their lives, either platonic or romantic.
The temptation to flee is great because of how easy a decision it is. Being a simple solution does not make it the best.
A more extreme form of isolation centers around apathy for all things. It might start with things in the outside world. It becomes a bigger concern when the lack of care turns inward. A person unable to see their own self worth means some of the energy spurring forward momentum and change spills into destructive behavior like self flagellation or starvation.
Lacking self care can be a sign of a deeper problem. Those not taking steps to feed, clothe and clean themselves and punctuate their actions with a litany of self talk centered around how they do not deserve to survive or move forward prove to be at very high risk for serious pain moving forward. It may sound dramatic. It is often the loudest who is unable to call for help themselves.
At its most extreme, those suffering the deepest seek to harm themselves or others. Because of the nature of the pain and the fact everyone suffers with it one time or another, it can be difficult to lend sufficient weight to the serious matter. Two clear patterns exist. Let’s look at them both.
Hanging On: These people are unable to release the relationship. They try to cling to their former partner regardless of the pain of living a lie. Only by coping with the loss can they person let go of the other and begin moving forward.
Lashing Out: This collection of behaviors seek to do the most harm by word and action. It can be difficult to differentiate between healthy progression of recovery and more acidic venom. A clear voice may give a clearer perspective, but it will need to be delivered in a harsh manner.
In the end, people in pain need to acknowledge their state and seek peace and stability. Such movement brings about pain greater than the loss of the relationship. It often helps for people to understand they are not their pain or their circumstances, no matter how easy it is to believe. They find peace to grow beyond the moment and let go of the pain and event surrounding to break up. This is the only way they can love again.