November 30, 2014 at 2:44 pm | featured | 2 comments
For starters I want you to know that when it comes to breakups, not everything is what seems to be. Your ex boyfriend may appear happy and cool, but in most situations that’s not the case.
Research shows that breakups (especially after a long term relationship that was based on real deep connection) are the second most painful human experiences after the death of a loved one.
If you’re going through the most difficult period after the breakup, filled with doubts, sorrow, regret and a zillion other type of painful feelings, you’re not alone. Believe me I know what you’re going through.
After my last breakup – the one that put me on the road where I am today – it took me 3 years to properly heal.
So if you are taking a long drive to the shores of “desperation” and feeling miserable about your breakup, especially if he’s seeing a new woman, please chase away your dark visions of your relationship with your ex boyfriend…
Because certain signs can show you that he’s not over you. In this article I will show you a few of them.
Now, I am guessing that you have spent years of romantic times with him; meanwhile going through a lots of hardships, challenges, great times, sorrow, joyful periods, amazing experiences, planning, while you got to know each other like two cute penguins on the Antarctic.
Just as you remember those days and moments as clearly as it happened just yesterday; he will also remember them. Memories can’t be just erased, without an injury to the mind. Especially if they where created by significant effort, time, energy, dedication and faith in the couple’s future.
Speaking of memories…
In the 1920s the behavioral psychologist Karl Lashley conducted a series of experiments in an attempt to identify the part of the brain in which memories are stored. He concluded that memories are not stored in any single area of the brain, but are instead distributed throughout it.
But after the work of Dr. Karl on amnesics (memory loss) Brenda Milner created evidence that shows that a part of the brain called the hippocampus is crucial for memory formation. More recently, it was established that the frontal cortex is also involved; current thinking holds that new memories are encoded in the hippocampus and then after a period of time they are transferred to the frontal lobes for long-term storage.
So don’t worry, your shared memories are stored in your ex mind (“and heart”) like sealed file cabinets.
He can’t just throw them out, even if he want them to.
But of course over time if they are not accessed, or should I say requested by him, they can fade away.
So the time of focusing on the negative side of your breakup has to end. Try instead to look at positive signs – signs that he may want you back in his life.
Get your thoughts straight and see the future as you want it to be and NOT as you’re afraid to happen to you. If you believe that you two belong together, then you should expect that he will reach out to you with the intention of getting back together.
Now let’s see… Does he really seems that cool and “happy” as it looks from the outside? That is the question which you will get the reply about if you read his signs carefully. Here they are:
Try to detect using also social media if he has suddenly become too sad or aloof. Thankfully, gaining information nowadays is not as hard as it would be decades ago. Frankly, nothing goes uncharted.
If he is too happy; too sad, too indifferent or too messy; he is missing you, because obviously his emotion are not in equilibrium. And what could make him jumpy like that? Of course it’s you. Take that for granted. He will perhaps love only one thing more than your return; the warmth of your hug or the touch of your lips on him.
Now, you may be a popular, elegant woman (probably that is how you cornered him) and have your patent circle of men hanging around you. Note whether he is suddenly getting jealous of them.
This is again something you will know, to your good fortune. Also use it as a rejection-reversing tactic, because for one thing men are very competitive.
His Facebook profile suddenly gets a status quote which was particularly special between you and him. He re-visiting special places you two where together; places where special memories where created. His mention of sarcastic or nasty inside jokes about women or exes is also clear indication.
Don’t over-analyze though his actions and behavior, because it will make you nervous and emotional. You need to focus on your healing and personal growth, instead.
This seems more obvious, but you need to detect the way he does that. They are situations when he really wants his hockey stick back but in most of the cases that’s not the real reason. Also you will find hilarious if he has returned to visit places where he has a greater chance of meeting you. Especially if this happens more than once.
If he is beginning to ask your mutual friends how you are and whether you are with somebody, you can be sure that he’s not just curious about your well being. Of course if he contacts you via a method that was not in your regular form of communication then, it’s a sign that he tries to approach you while being afraid of your reaction.
This sign includes Skype, text messages, Facebook, phone calls, other social media messages, email, etc.
Heck…from the four main types of communication (written, verbal, nonverbal and visual) maybe he will also try to send you a message via a visual one, like a huge city banner or with sky-writing.
I bet you would like that. 😛
You will also get a sign if he is trying too hard displaying his new girlfriend wherever he goes. You will find her being tagged and mentioned too much, using pictures on Facebook and Instagram.
That is where he clearly shows his insecurity regarding the new relationship with her, that is possibly just a rebound.
By acting like this, he tries to overcompensate his feeling of rejection, caused by the breakup.
He wants to show you that other people (women) find him valuable and attractive as a man. Trying to create evidence that will hopefully prove that your decision of breaking up with him was a mistake… and now he wants you to suffer the consequences of not choosing him.
Men are real proud of their persona and they value in our social landscape.
… but by attempting to create memories with her in a fast way, deep down he also feels and sees that not other woman can replace you. No matter where they go in this world.
And when she will act needy, uppish or insecure, or even jealous, that’s the time when he will miss you like the most while wishing that you would be the one next to him.
If he brings up issues about your breakup and tries to blame a bit of himself for a change, you know the ball is in your court. He will probably not be delicate enough not to take whole blame. Nevertheless, a little pasture is the start of the green mile. Besides telling you over the phone or sending you a letter or email, you can also hear him talking like this through your mutual friends.
In my opinion this is a low intensity form of neediness. He is afraid of loosing you thus he attempts to resolve the breakup by trying quickly to find the causing problems… meanwhile reasoning about the advantages of being in a relationship with him personally.
First of all if he started to apply the No Contact rule, possibly his intentions where to draw you back into his life for good.
Now… especially if you consider your ex boyfriend to be a calm, self-controlled person, but after a while he contacted you anyway for a transparent reason, then you can be sure that his feelings of missing you badly are not just temporary outbursts. He’s so eager to work things out with you, that not even his smart mind could hold his heart back.
You may suddenly find that his route to his office from home passes by your house. You may find he is passing more times than he did when you were with him. That is where he spills the beans, in clear terms.
You will be amazed how many man can’t resist curiosity even if it can hurt them, just to take a glance at the place where you could be at that specific time.
Besides the fact that this is a good tactic to shift your mind from the breakup to other issues like work related challenges, as I recommend this tactic to my clients also, BUT if you see that he’s started to many project, or if he’s engaged into achieving way too many or bold goals, or side projects that where not necessary his domain, then you can conclude that he’s trying to bury his emotions in his work.
You have an advantage of knowing him, so you can spot more easily to see if he’s trying too hard to seem naturally engaged in his work.
On the subject of trying to hard (not just at work)…
If he also will give emphasis on his manly handsome looks or his “epic” achievements and tries to be too sweet at events; something he never was, that’s also a clear sign of his intention to impress you. Any change in his nature, in fact, would give you a positive feedback.
It is when people become emotional that they become more vulnerable and transparent.
If a relatively long time has passed since the breakup (depending on the intensity of your relationship) and you find the picture of you two still on his page (by creeping on his Facebook or Instagram profile, that you should avoid by the way :D) then it’s clear that he has a very hard time to get rid of those precious photos.
It’s just too painful for him to delete them.
One part of his heart won’t let go of the memories you two created, the love you shared, and the other still hopes that soon everything will be great again between you two. Like the breakup could not destroy your strong bond.
Your love life may have struck a wrong note, but that will pass. He will come back if you can make internal changes and pay the game like a pro. He has started sending signals to you. You just need to use them to your advantage.
Let me know what you think about the subject.