Breakups are tough. We all know this. Especially after a long relationship, you get used to a person being around you. Being in touch with him becomes more of a habit.
If you recently went through a breakup, you would agree with me. The loneliness, the lack of care and love can be devastating. What if your ex-boyfriend wants to stay friends with you? Let me put this in a simple, straightforward way. This is a bad idea.
Staying friends with your ex-boyfriend after a break is actually complicated. The memories of the past coupled with the new dynamics of your relationship can be confusing. On one hand, you just love him for who he is and the beautiful memories you created together.
Whereas on the other, you feel angry at him and confused for the pain and suffering he caused leading up to the breakup.
Let me first tell you why do men want to be friends with their ex-girlfriends. After understanding this crucial part, you will be well equipped to make a right decision for yourself:
You have the same friends
If you have been in a long relationship, you and your ex-boyfriend will have a lot of common friends. After the breakup, it is inconvenient for him to just leave all the common friends. Or to hang out with them when you are also present.
It can be awkward, especially if there were hard things said to each other. Your ex-boyfriend is likely to settle for something in between. That is seeing his mutual friends, while staying friends with you.
This might sound cruel, but it is true. If your boyfriend dumped you then he might be feeling sorry for you. In order to make it up to you somehow, he might ask you to stay friends with him.
He wants to keep a tab on you
Men are curious beings. Not knowing is just not an option. If your ex-boyfriend asked you to be his friend, there is a possibility that he wants to keep a tab on you. He wants to know how you are dealing with the breakup, how is your love life going, are you over him etc.
He is after the short-term comfort
Finding a new partner can be a herculean task. One has to put himself out in front of strangers. It takes a lot of efforts, a stroke of luck, the determination in finding a new partner. The easy way around – call your ex and ask them out for a movie as friends. This might sound cheesy, but believe me, men are afraid to leave their comfort zone.
The grass is greener syndrome
If your ex-boyfriend has moved on to another woman but still asked you to be his friend then he might be suffering from the grass is greener syndrome.
It is in nature of man to compare. But the grass always seems greener somewhere else. He might be dwelling on the good memories that you two shares minus the fights and arguments. Don’t fall for it.
You are his backup plan
This might sound cynical. Most men like to play it safe. What if their new relationship doesn’t work out? They need to have someone on the back burner. If your ex-boyfriend asks you to be his friend, his intentions might not be that pure.
The list goes on. My point here is that don’t trust someone you have just broken up with so soon.
You will end up hurting
Let’s suppose you end up being friends with your ex. You will provide him with all the support and care that friends give. Your ex-boyfriend will eventually move on and find a new partner. What will you do then? You will be left all alone and heartbroken. It is a wrong move!
Now comes the final part.
In this section, I will tell you what to do if your ex-boyfriend wants to be friends with you. Before we begin, answer a simple question. Do you still love him? Be honest with yourself. If you don’t then you have nothing to lose. Just say No.
But if you still have some feelings for him then my advice to you is simple. Have it all or nothing. Be upright and find the courage to tell him that either he has you all or doesn’t have you altogether. Here is how you go about it.
Refuse his idea of being friends with you
Since you have been dwelling over the idea of being friends with your ex-boyfriend it is better to cut down all the ties with your ex-boyfriend. You should not even think twice of being friends with your ex-boyfriend let alone talk over it with your ex. If you do, it will give him a hint that he can eventually end up friend-zoning you and you will never be able to go back from there.
It is better to never respond and to get offended by the idea of being friends with your ex-boyfriend.
Keep it Cool
In case you can’t live apart from him, the best approach I recommend is to give him time.
This will allow him to clear his head. Get him a new perspective of things. You must wait for his emotions to be in line. If you do become friends with your ex-boyfriend, then let me say it out loud – it will ruin your chance of getting back with him.
So the first thing to remember is not to rush. Play it cool. Take time to heal and reflect on what happened. As I often advise, follow the no contact rule for at least 30 days. Let the dust of it to settle down, only then make your next move.
Work on yourself
While you’re spending some time apart, it is best for you to work on yourself. During the course of time right after your break up, you will get self-reflection and self-improvement.
The idea of being friends with your ex-boyfriend can keep you from working on yourself. You should focus on your career or daily life activities. In this way, you can also restore your self-confidence and esteem.
This will also enable you to start new friendships and when your ex-boyfriend hears or sees you happy with other people, he will end up being jealous. When he’s jealous, he will know what he is losing. Given the right circumstances, he will come around knowing he is about to lose you. Success is the best revenge indeed.
Another way not to end up being friends with your ex-boyfriend is to make new acquaintances. This will not only allow you to stay busy during the initial days but also help you get over loneliness.
A word of advice here. Don’t talk about your ex-boyfriend with others. Even if someone asks you about him, just say that you haven’t seen him for a long time and you’re happy on your own. Since he was the one who asked you to be friends with him, the best course of action here is no action. If you don’t respond or show any sort of interest, then your ex-boyfriend will do everything to get in touch with you again.
Play hard to get
Since you’ve already told him that either he’s your boyfriend or he’s nothing. Your ex will try to befriend you and stay in contact with you.
No matter how hard he tries, keep your distance from him. He will know that you were serious about what you said. Your ex-boyfriend should know that there’s no way around; either he has you as a girlfriend or he doesn’t have you at all.
Resist the urge
You would never be friends with your ex-boyfriend; you’ve made this part clear to him. Later on, stop responding to his text and stop initiating any sort of communications. If you keep texting him, you will push him further away.
Pretend and appear to be super busy and happy in your life without him. This will make him believe that he will lose you forever and he won’t be able to get this idea around his head.
Given the special time that you two have shared in the past, the fear of losing you will press his nerves and he will eventually lose his cool and try to open up new ways of communications with you.
So, there you have it. The paradigm of friends with an ex-explained. If you have any questions, then feel free to post them in the comments. I will try my best to replay at my earliest.