The No Contact Rule sounds simple.
Well it is… theoretically.
The actual strategy of the No Contact Rule is simple as a walk in the park.
I say strategy because it’s also includes tactics during this period of change and progress.
You’ll have no trouble carrying out them. That’s not what worries me.
What really worries me is the high probability that you will broke the No Contact rule. Don’t get me wrong, I am not doubting your willpower, I am saying this only because it’s the hardest part to handle.
Sticking to it will be one of the hardest things you’ve ever had to do. Breaking up with your man is like withdrawing from a drug or quitting smoking.
It eats you up from the inside and the possibility for relapse is high.
First things first.
Let’s define what the No Contact Rule actually is:
Now one of the most frequently asked question is what exactly this amount of time means.
“For how long should I have to endure my feelings of missing him?”
Well, first of all, you don’t have to suffer all the way, and secondly it can vary from breakup to breakup but in most cases it’s 30 days. (in the other cases, if the breakup was a real nasty one, then it can last from 60 to 90 days)
So you might ask why 30 days in general?
That’s because 30 days alone is enough time for his painful memories to fade away, and the memories of euphoric and magical times to surface.
When it comes to the topic of “past”, our brain over time forgets the ugly and focuses on remembering the beautiful and magical times.
So after enough time passes, he will want to create new lovely memories with you, but only this time you are “Gone Girl.”
If you try to contact him way too soon, let’s say in the first week, then your name will trigger all the painful breakup experiences he been trough lately with you.
His thoughts will cause him to feel the same stress, anger and worthlessness all over again. This is why he wants to avoid your presence by not wanting to talk or hear from you at all.
…and probably he will say thing like:
“We are through”
“I don’t want to hear from you again”
“Our relationship was a mistake.”
“I am glad that we broke up.”
“We should broke up a long time ago.”
So on and so forth.
…of course all of this hurtful words coming from an angry and emotional place so, you should not take them to your heart, as I know you’re are wiser than that.
Now let’s analyze a bit the “restrain” part.
You might ask with good reason: “So this means that I can’t contact him at all?”
Yes it means exactly that, but with a few exceptions.
…and these exceptions to this rule are:
-when you work with him
-when you have children together
-you go to same educational institution with him
-when you live with him
Today I am not going to discuss all those 4 cases in this article, because they deserve a separate post entirely.
Before we emerge into more details about how to properly execute the No Contact rule, let discuss first the need for the No Contact Rule.
With the “No Contact Rule” strategy you can accomplish eight things:
1. It gives you time to heal
2. It prevents you from acting needy and insecure around your ex boyfriend. As you probably already know, neediness and insecurity are attraction killers when it comes to any relationship.
3. It gives you (and him) time to discover what went wrong
4. It gives you time to do an internal and external makeover
5. It allows him to forget the “negative” memories
6. It sends a clear message that you’re moving on. Not contacting him pushes him away and makes him wonder why you do that. He will start wondering if you have moved on, maybe found another man
7. It creates a fear of loss within him. Usually we only realize something’s value when it is gone
8. It gives you the opportunity to learn as much as possible about the dynamics of relationships
With that being said, I just want to remind you that your own determination will ultimately decide the outcome of the following aspects to consider. So here they are:
Choose how you’re going to initiate the process of No Contact
Here are your options:
1. Get in contact with your ex boyfriend one last time and tell him that you’d like to keep your distance from each other. Tell him that you need some time to think and that being in contact with each other will cloud these thoughts. …and IF things have been bitter between the two of you, now’s the time to apologize and tell him that you respect his decision to break up. Keep it simple and straightforward.
2. Don’t get in contact with him at all and just “drop off of the face of the Earth”
Here’s what you should know about these two options. If you choose to go with the first one, you better be willing and ready to confront him in a manner where he won’t think you’re trying to play a game with him.
What I mean by this is that everything we’ve discussed up until this point, you’ve internalized and you truly feel that you’re ready to let go and not be in contact with him anymore.
If you can’t honestly convince yourself about this last point, attempting no contact will be pointless. If you’re not ready, take some time to think it over – then come back and make your decision (the right one). If you choose the second option, you don’t need to be as prepared, you can just dive in.
Now the following question might cross your mind and with good reason:
“Which option should I go with? Do I call him and tell him I need my space or do I just drop off the face of the earth?”
That’s a great question and one that needs to be carefully answered. If you have something serious to apologize for (e.g. lying, name-calling) then you should go with option number one… without a doubt.
You call him up and tell him you’re sorry for whatever it is that you’ve done wrong.
Then you tell him that you’ll be leaving him alone and that he should NOT contact you because now you need your space. But under no circumstances should you tell him that you love him and that you’ll always be there for him.
I don’t care if he tells you he loves you.
You tell him that you need to go and you end the conversation right then and there.
Telling him that you love him and that you’ll be there for him “no matter what” goes against everything that you’re trying to achieve.
He’ll think you’re playing games with him and this is likely to backfire.
Just think about it for a second: if you tell him that you’re there for him and at the same time you tell him not to contact you, what message are you really sending to him?
That you’re hurt, desperate, and confused. This will only piss him off and you’ll be digging an even deeper hole for yourself… you’ve been warned!
Now, if there’s something less serious that you want to apologize for (e.g. overdoing the calling, texting, and apologizing) then forget about option number one.
Do not make excuses to yourself as to why you need to call him and tell him you’re going into NC unless you’ve done something seriously wrong to him.
In other words, if your biggest “crimes” are begging, being needy, and too pushy, you should go with option number two.
For two simple reasons:
1. Because most likely you won’t be emotionally ready to “convince” him that you mean “business” therefore ruining the whole strategy.
2. Because many women are desperate to talk to their ex boyfriend especially a few days after the breakup, and want to dazzle them with some kind of magic speech that will instantly turn things around… it’s possible that it will, but don’t count on things happening like this.
You can’t possibly convince him that you’re really serious and that he truly stands to lose you if you haven’t taken the time to digest everything I’ve written about so far.
That is, if you haven’t made up your mind that you’re either going to be with this man 100% as his girlfriend then possible his wife, or nothing at all.
If you don’t truly feel this deep down inside and you’re not confident in your decision, then you don’t stand much of a chance in making him feel it as well.
One last thing… make sure you don’t over-analyze this.
Because it’s a mistake for two reasons: if you have something that important to apologize for, then I recommend to do it over the phone – you can send also a simple text message or email, but then he can’t hear your seriousness and commitment.
And the second reason is that a long, drawn-out explanation as to why you won’t be contacting him anymore is not only unnecessary but counter-productive as well.
So get personal, get to the point, and above all, keep it brief – plain and simple.
Which brings us to option number two (the better option). Why is this my preferred option?
For one, you’re not going to put yourself in a position where he could misinterpret your confidence for neediness.
This is the most important reason.
It will take you a couple of days to make this decision (that you’ll be settling for “all or nothing”) and to truly believe in it. That’s why it’s better to just keep your distance… so you can work on your mindset.
Now the second reason why I favor this option over the other is this: if you’ve already been in regular contact with him and then you just drop off the face of the earth, this will add more force to the shock when you do break the news to him that you need your distance.
Because if you’ve been acting as his support all this time, and then you stay away for a few days and when he calls you “lay it on him”… that support will vanish into thin air from one second to the next and then he’ll truly feel what it’s like to be alone… this is very powerful.
You need to find a way to get rid of your pain and negative energy
This is crucial because you’re going into “rehab”. The simplest and best advice I can give you is to take up some form of exercise: running or walking at the very least.
If that’s not your thing, take up an activity that completely takes your mind away from things. But I strongly encourage you on the exercise because it has a triple effect in bettering your situation:
a. Exercise is a potent mood enhancer – physical activity is directly responsible for the release of chemicals in your brain known as endorphins. Endorphins have been scientifically proven to elevate mood.
b. Exercise builds confidence – your confidence will soar because you’ll not only feel better… but look better as well
c. It’s a great way to avoid negative thoughts by keeping your mind tuned out from the situation
Do the “purge”
Take a piece of paper, write down his number and e-mail address, and just about anything else that you’ve used to contact him. Make sure you record it correctly for later use.
Erase all of his details from your cell phone, address-book, or whatever it is that you keep contact information in.
Get rid of the e-mails. Stop reading them, re-reading them, and analyzing them. Get rid of ALL the e-mails – DELETE – TRASH BIN… DO NOT TAKE ANY SHORTCUTS.
If getting him back is what you truly want then you to need to do this.
You can print them out before deleting, if you’re afraid not seeing them again.
Take all of your “physical” memories and put them in a box. I mean pictures, teddy-bears, gifts, anything that reminds you of him. If you’re wearing jewelry or watch (i.e. or any other gift he gave you) take it off.
Especially if it has high emotional value – take it off!
This is important.
Collect all of them in the box and put it all away. And no, not in your closet where you can get to it at any time – somewhere completely out of reach.
Better if you buy some kind of a briefcase or “chest” that can be locked. Do this; lock everything up, hide it in the attic or cellar then give the key to a friend to hold it for you.
It’s going to be locked so you don’t have to worry about anyone invading your privacy and most importantly, you won’t have easy access to it (the latter can be a killer to this whole strategy when a little alcohol comes into play).
Plans for fun and out of the ordinary
It doesn’t have to be a full-fledged vacation. Just something that will get you out of your day to day norm and put you in a different frame of mind. DO THIS.
Do not take shortcuts. After a day in this new state (even an afternoon or an evening will do it) you’ll see things in a new light. There is a world out there for you, even without your ex boyfriend in it.
Now you might be thinking to yourself that, “how can pushing him away and out of my life get me back together with her?”
The answer? By pushing him away you’ll start to heal and he’ll be the one in pain. By being his support, he’ll be healing and you’ll be stuck with the pain.
Which situation would you rather be in?
Yes, that’s right,
Start working on your self image
Your personal image is the key for a better life. It might sound like a cliché but it’s also a key component of re-attracting your ex boyfriend.
You can’t have a new beginning with him, if you don’t make improvements when it comes to your character.
Your self image basically means how you see yourself. It’s a crucial mindset tool since self perception is reality.
But let’s just look in more depth at the definition of the personal image:
Self-image is our opinion about “what kind of a person I am”. It was created from our own convictions about ourselves. These convictions where born in our subconscious from our past experiences, like successes and failures, humiliations, triumphs and how others reacted to us especially in early childhood. From all of this we mentally built a “self” or a “self-image”.
From all this we created a mental image about ourselves. The self image.
This self image becomes a precious key when it comes to live a better life based on two important discoveries:
1. All your actions, feelings and behaviors and even abilities are in alignment with the personal image
2. Personal image can be changed. No one is too young or too old to change their personal image and to begin a new life.
The most comprehensive and popular research when it comes to personal image, was done by Dr. Maxwell Maltz. A brilliant cosmetic surgeon who was fascinated by the fact that many of his clients who gone trough facial reconstruction surgery and had amazing improvements in their looks, still saw themselves as ugly and undesirable as before the operation.
Maltz’s fascination to find an answer to this question led him to write a highly successful book called “Psycho Cybernetics”. I highly recommend to buy one copy for yourself too.
In a nutshell to improve your self image you need to work on 7 areas of your personality:
1. Your sense of direction. – Knowing your goal in life
2. Understanding, seeing and not judging your reality
3. The courage to act towards your goal
4. Genuinely caring for others
5. Having a strong self respect – Seeing yourself as a high value woman
6. Self confidence by focusing on our past successes
7. Self acceptance – accepting yourself with your flaws, weaknesses and mistakes
Changing your self image does NOT mean changing “the self” or improving it, but instead changing your mental image and understanding yourself.
That’s enough about self image in this article.
Now let’s move on.
Understand why you can’t be there for Him
After a break up, some men will use their ex girlfriend either as a means to get over the break up and heal himself or just with the aim in mind to have sex.
I don’t have to tell you that this is a trap you need to avoid, because I know you’re a smart woman and you know better than.
Just joking 😛
Well it can be extremely tempting to have sex with him, when you miss him so much.
But I hope that you can keep your emotions at bay, because you don’t want to feel as a tool after that. By having sex with him you will only satisfy his primal need while loosing your personality value.
You want him back because you want him to fall again for your personality and obviously not only for your body.
Any other woman can give him that. (but hopefully that won’t happen)
By not contacting him and making yourself a rare “commodity”, you are forcing him to heal on his own.
You’re also denying him of any sex, which you should never give unless he’s willing to commit to an actual relationship with you.
The bottom line is that you won’t be around to support him and be sensitive, accommodating and giving. You are forcing him to be lonely and face reality without you. Period.
Your instincts may tell you that by being around him and supporting him (emotionally) will only draw you back together. Nothing could be any further from the truth.
This will only help his healing process while hurting yours. He will heal with your help while you’re hoping to reconcile with him.
Basically if you go down this path, you will offer your happiness to him with the hope that one day he will appreciate it, but when he will be around other women it will give birth to only jealousy, hurt and shame within you.
You‘ve been warned.
In case He Contacts You
It’s very likely that your ex boyfriend will actually initiate contact with you over the course of the No Contact period.
Evidently there’s less chance for that if you’r emotions will get out of control and you call or text him.
If you combine the silence treatment ( the No Contact Rule) with your internal and external improvements by showcasing them in a subtle way, he will starts to feel a strong fear of loss and begins to place value on you once again.
It will be his natural instinct and burning desire to reach out and contact you.
This is of course a positive sign, even if you can’t 100% conclude that you two will be back together by the end of the this week, but definitely will make things a lot easier for you to see the result you desire.
It’s paramount that you won’t be rude, uppish, angry, needy or act depressed around him.
If he comes in to visit you at work or calls you on the phone, act happy and cheerful (this is extremely important).
Maybe you heard it many times but with good reason.
Acting in this manner will demonstrate higher value on your part since you’ll project the image of a person who can easily handle the hardships of life, who is not influenced by this dreadful thing called breakup. (which is of course one of the hardest challenges you have to face in your life)
He will be caught off guard.
Basically, he will wonder why you’re not acting miserable, and sad. This will intrigue him and again make him feel an even stronger fear of loss.
You will appear to have moved on before he has. That’s a powerful emotion to evoke in him.
Now let’s take a look at the situation when your ex boyfriend contacts you and what you should do:
• Make casual, small talk with him.
• Let him lead the conversation. Don’t be eager to ask about his life.
• Act cheerful and happy but don’t show interest in his doings. Respond without surprise if he tells you something new or amazing about his life.
• End the conversation first after about 3-5 minutes. Be polite and say “I’m sorry but someone is waiting for me, I have to run. Let’s catch up later on”. Make sure you don’t say that with an ice queen attitude.
• Take your time to call him back. Don’t be too eager and make sure you wait about a 12 hours or 24 hours.
• If you run into him in person, make small talk for 2-3 minutes (not even that much) and then say something along the lines of, “Well it was nice talking with you, but I have to be somewhere.” Again, be cheerful about it. If you say this in a cheerful way, you will demonstrates security which gives the impression that you’ve accepted the breakup.
The “no contact rule” doesn’t mean your ex boyfriend can’t contact you. It’s a very good thing when he is the one initiating contact first, but only if he is the one doing the initiating.
The important thing to remember is that under no circumstances will you be the one initiating contact with him first. (except in the situations I explained in my No Contact Rule Frequently Asked Questions blog post)
Ok, now let me point out what you should avoid:
• Acting rude and treat him like he was the cause of your suffering.
• Acting angry.
• Acting depressed and sad.
• Acting needy (but you already know this)
• Asking him to give the relationship another chance.
• Asking if he’s dating or sleeping with anyone. (very dangerous question)
• Bragging about how many guys are hitting on you. This will obviously come across as a lie and lower your value in his eyes in a jiffy.
• Bringing up anything about the breakup or relationship at all.
Let’s move on.
In case if he does not contact you
Don’t panic, because the reason or reasons for it could not be real.
I know it’s easier to say than done.
Now…since the loneliness peak occurs around 30 days, it is the most opportune time for you to contact him.
In the majority of cases he will contact you first. If not, at this time you can contact him via a specific text message.
If you don’t receive an answer from him to your text message, I recommend that you wait a around 7-10 days and send a new text.
His response type (even if there is none) is really depends on how low he perceived your value to be before the breakup. Because if it was at a low point then, you would have to “work” more on yourself during the No Contact period.
In case if he calls you after your text, you will chat with him as though he is an old friend.
Remember that there is to be no hint of desperation, sadness or neediness on your part. You must come across as though you are perfectly fine with the breakup, and you are living your exciting new life without him.
Act (the keyword here) like you realized the breakup was actually the best thing for the both of you.
You can tell him, when you talk to him, that you believe the breakup was definitely for the best and that you see things more clearly now:
“I just wanted to tell you that you were right… The breakup was definitely for the best. Now I can see things more clearly.”
…by injecting the “seeing things clearly” words, he will be throw his off his game since he will be unable to comprehend what you just realized.
In his mind we will wonder about two possibilities:
1. You realized that you’re better off without him.
2. You realized what really happened in the relationship and maybe you want to work out things with him.
He will not know what is the truth and he will be drawn by the unknown to find out the truth.
Remember that at the core of attraction is mystery.
Of course It’s very important that you maintain a platonic vibe, like you’re not really interested in him.
The goals is to inject the fear of loss within him. If you will not follow these guidelines that I lay down for you, he will perceive you as someone who will be there for him to take back any time. And the urgency to win you back will be undermined and possibly lost.
Most importantly his attraction for you will weaken and weaken until it will fade away like the light of a candle.
Do you want that? Of course not… (if he was the right man for you of course. A topic that I will discuss in one of my future post)
It’s very likely that over the No Contact period, your ex boyfriend will contact you. In fact, many of my clients who have executed the No Contact Rule have experienced real heartwarming result with it.
There is nothing more exciting and joyful when you see on your ringing phone you ex’s name.
The No Contact forces your ex boyfriend to realize your value. You can’t value something that’s always been there to its fullest extent. And you can raise this value even more if you truly make changes in you and in your life.
But the inside reflects the outside so this is why it’s a crucial module in our coaching program to create real lasting change in women’s life by first building up their primal confidence.
By the way if we’re talking about confidence. This is what real confidence is:
Confidence can be described as a belief in one’s self and one’s ability to succeed.
I just wanted to quickly include this because I want you to understand and acquire the mindset of re-attracting your ex boyfriend.
Let’s get back to your conversation with him.
Please realize how important is that you act cheerful, cool, calm and collected when he contacts you.
I know that you understand this NOW, but I also want you to be able to execute this when the time will come to talk with him.
Let the conversation unfold and basically talk about positive things (preferably things that happened since your breakup) that have nothing to do with your relationship.
Let him lead the conversation and do most of the talking. If he brings up anything about the relationship then just say that you don’t feel like now it’s the time to enter into that line of discussion.
And he will say:
“Ah ok sure, no problem.”
With this giving you more control over the power game. (yes, this is a hard but exciting game of emotions and wise choices)
I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve heard from women who followed the No Contact rule and had their ex boyfriends call them weeks later, asking if they would give the relationship another shot.
So the No Contact Rule can be a simple but powerful strategy to use when it comes to get him back into your life.
Common but special situations
So what if you’re in a situation where you cannot implement the No Contact Rule and it’s impossible to not contact your ex boyfriend?
Maybe you work with him, you have a child with him, you live together, etc. What should you do then?
Well in that case your behavior will be your magical tool for transforming the situation.
You have to behave like a kind but ruthless queen.
You act friendly, polite, kind, like a high value woman BUT at the same time you don’t tolerate or seem influenced by any of his attempts of dragging you down or making you feel bad. (like going out on a date with another woman)
Consequently you don’t want to come across as insecure or childish by acting angry, jealous or all out ignoring him.
You just maintain your contact with him on a minimum level.
If you live together, make sure you go out with friends a lot. Don’t bring other men back to the house just to make him jealous since this will probably hurt your chances of getting him back.
Jealousy can be a powerful tool but if you cross the line, maybe you will never win him back.
There is a very high chance that if you bring a man back to your place, he’ll end up bringing a girl back also and it’ll end up turning into a vicious cycle of spiky games.
Be smarten than that and play the mystery game again…
Like for example telling him that you’re going out to the city with a friend or friends.
In overall, you want your ex boyfriend to initiate the conversation most of the time. You don’t want to look like you’re ignoring him because that’s also insecure.
Again, you want to act happy and cheerful, like you’re completely fine with the breakup and you have moved on. Let him lead the conversation and put in most of the work when conversing with you. Again, don’t ignore him; just let him do most of the work.
Let him invest in you, thus your value will increase in his eyes.
I highly advice you, as your possible future breakup coach that you use this situation to your advantage.
What I mean by that? Well, since you two are “forced” to live together or at least to see each other often, simply dress your best. Of course without looking like you’re actually trying.
Dress as you where at your first dates BUT wearing different sexy clothes, dresses and at the same time act as this is something normal to you.
…and yes you can also dress attractive and sexy at your workplace.
Act as this is the NEW YOU, a new person who is enjoying life without him, maybe even better. You’ll see that you will drive him crazy in a positive way.
…and he can’t resist the urge to have a piece of “that” action. 😛
Why? (I always like to go to the deeper levels of things)
Because you will represent three powerful elements that will trigger an irresistible craving for you:
1. The sexy woman that you know that he was already attracted to
2. Your personality that is proven to be the weakness of his heart
3. The “vitrine effect” as I like to call it. Aka, he can’t touch you, he can’t have you, he’s only allowed to see your seductive power aimed at…. well NOT him!
…I think I got over my planned length with this article, but I hope I left you with more than I found you. 🙂
Remember that if you need personalized guidance with your unique breakup situation, you can request an invite.
That’s it for today and remember to be strong, smart and cunning.