Breakups can be hard. Especially when you have to live with the guilt of being the one who cheated in the relationship. If you find yourself in such a situation, then you have come to the right place.
Before I get into the details; let me start off by saying that everything is not lost. After reading through this article, I am sure that most of your questions will be answered in the content.
If not, you can always add your comments at the end of this page. I will do my best to provide a workable solution for you. Keeping the broader picture in mind, let’s now find the means to an end.
Why Women Cheat?
Before I give you a workable solution, I need you to ask yourself a question. Why did you cheat on him? I am pretty sure that you must have your reasons. And I can also assure you that you are not the only one.
According to a recent study by Rutgers University biological anthropologist, Helen Fisher, almost 34% of the women in a healthy relationship cheat on their spouse.
Let me now briefly tell you why women cheat. You might have heard the famous saying, Men are from Mars and Women are from Jupiters. This goes without saying that men and women differ at every level. It is in the DNA. When talking about Women specifically, there are four main reasons why women cheat.
1. Lack of Emotional Support
During the course of their life, women experience many stressful situations. Ranging from being a mother to undergoing hormonal body changes, coping with work-related stress, and managing mood swings. Lack of emotional support from a partner can lead to infidelity.
2. Lack of Sexual Satisfaction
Every woman wants to be wanted, desired, pleased, and pleasured by men. It is interesting to know that many women have a higher sex drive than men. Lack of sexual satisfaction can, therefore, create a gap in a relationship.
3. For better Finances
Women need security in their life. This includes a stable household, steady income, and comfort. They love to be cared for and spoiled with riches (from time to time at least). If a man cannot provide her the butterflies in her tummy, women tend to look for substitutes.
The fourth major reason for women cheating in their relationship is that their partners cheated on them first. Many women resort to revenge to suppress feelings like betrayal, and insecurity. May it be one of the above reasons or something else, the bottom line is that you were unfaithful to your partner.
I don’t want you to beat your self up living with the guilt and remorse of your actions. Be yourself! First, convince yourself that cheating is not a part of your personality. It happened due to the circumstances which were out of your control.
Monogamy is unnatural
Monogamy is not natural. It is just not in our DNA. Down to our roots, we are just not monogamous creatures. I am not at all a supporter of cheating. I am merely using a stated fact to reason why you should not blame your self. Why not focus your energy on something productive like how to get your ex-boyfriend back in this case. Let us now move to solve this problem.
1. Do some Soul Searching
Take a piece of paper and a pen. Write down all the reasons that you can think of that made you cheat on him. These can be physical, emotional or one of the reasons that I have mentioned earlier.
Write down all the things that you hate about your ex-boyfriend. We, humans, are strange creatures. Our perception of reality changes with the situation. The aim of this exercise is to step outside of the false pretense and take the real issue face on. After soul-searching, if you still want your ex-boyfriend back, then read on.
2. Take a step back
I am going to be blunt and honest with you. The chances of getting your ex-boyfriend back after you have cheated on him are less. It will take a lot of effort on your part.
So the first and the foremost thing I need you to do is to step away. I am a strong preacher of the no contact rule. After the initial apology just disappear from his life for at least 30 days. No telephones, no drunk dialing, no texts, no stalking his Facebook posts.
This is where I will advise you to start. Make time for yourself. Go out with your friends, visit your family at the weekend. Try to spend time on something that you enjoy doing like reading a book or watching a movie. Pick up a new hobby.
It is a fact that when we tend to do something new which we have not done earlier our mind experiences new phases of excitement, thrill, and anxiety. Whatever you do, do not contact him for at least 30 days.
You might have strong urges to contact your ex-boyfriend and tell him how miserable you are without him, but trust me! The 30 day period is crucial not only for you but also for him.
Here is why:
- Breakups are hurtful. It will give time for your ex-boyfriend to heal
- It will give you ample time to be sure whether you want your ex-boyfriend back or not
- Your ex-boyfriend will be in a bit of frenzy. He will wonder why haven’t you call. Don’t let him take you for granted. His curiousity will pave way for the following steps
3. Don’t just say that you are sorry, show it
Now comes the part where you establish contact with your ex-boyfriend. My advice to you is don’t apologize repeatedly. Apologies are tricky. You can say that you are sorry, but little good will come from it if you don’t follow up with a changed behaviours.
Mere words can not describe how you feel about your ex-boyfriend. Only saying that you are sorry can’t make him truly forgive you and bring him back. You have to prove it with your doings.
Remember actions speak louder than words. Let your ex-boyfriend know you don’t expect him to forgive you right away. Tell him that you are ready to talk about the matter whenever he is.
4. Regain his Trust
Again, a no-brainer. But the problem always lies in its execution. As Greg LeMond once said: “Sincere apologies are for those that make them, not for those to whom they are made.”
Your ex will thus probably feel insecure about just letting you back after your apology. Let your apology be a starting point of creating a new attractiveness between the two of you. If you want him back after cheating on him, make sure to work on yourself in particular.
Namely, the best apology is changed behaviour. So try to change or improve your lifestyle. For instance, define your personal values, upgrade your social circle, start working out, focus on your mental health, work on your self-esteem, etc. All these things represent a seamlessly invisible way of telling your man that you have positively changed your behaviour and that you are prepared to change in your relationship as well.
5. How to Approach him
Although there are some slim chances the man that you want back after cheating will come knocking at your door himself, do not leave anything to chance.
You will most likely need to make the first move. First moves aren’t and shouldn’t be just a guy thing, especially in your case. Since you two already know each other well breaking the ice shouldn’t be such a big deal.
But considering the emotional states of both of you after such a devastating occurrence (cheating and eventual break up), you might need some time to think of a first message you should send to your ex-boyfriend.
Try with a light, short and positive text that doesn’t bring him any memories of what has just happened (for instance congratulate him for his birthday or some other positive event in his life).
Make sure you approach your man in a confident, but nevertheless subtle way that doesn’t feel imposed. Once you have broken the ice, your texting subject matter should progress eventually and steadily.
Texts should become more and more intimate, in order to build up again an attraction that was once already lost (for instance: “Remember that time we went to the cinema and had such a good time?“)
Handle the phone call, which inevitably follows with great care. Act calm and confident when you are talking with him again and agree with the proposed meetup, or propose it yourself (recommended in your case). This meetup doesn’t need to be a date, it could be a simple socializing experience that also involves your friends.
But remember that physical meetup provides you with the best opportunity to regain just a bit of his trust and progress steadily into making your man fall deeply for you again.
A Final Note
We men are fragile when it comes to heartbreaking situations and we suffer too. But a positive message from your end to get back to normalcy can trigger the much-required lust, and longing for the lost love.
Let me frankly tell you that we men are at our best when we are in love. Caring comes naturally to us, we forget and forgive the innocent confession of their better part to be not analytical of the situation that caused the breakup. We will love you more once we see proof of personal improvement and an open mindset for growth after the breakup.